Back To Basics…

You wake up one morning, look at yourself in the mirror and you can hardly recognize who you are any more  You have gradually transformed and become the person who you had vowed that you would never become.

All the things you had turned up your nose at suddenly have a look; and you’re wearing it. All the things you once despised, rebuked, rejected, condemned have now made themselves comfortable in the creases on your face and the folds of your skin; seamlessly fitting in. You can hardly tell where it all starts or where it ends. Everything has moulded and fused into one. You.

Time has happened.

It happens to the best of us though. We neither know when the metamorphosis started nor when it’s supposed to end. We certainly have no idea of the result – when it should be, how it should be and how it should feel. For some reason, we lose control of things. Here’s the thing, when we think, we’ve got control of everything, that’s when we lose it.

Our actions define us. Our habits rule us.

A few years ago, I boarded a train that I was positive I knew the destination and the exact time I would get there. I enjoyed the ride, didn’t want it to end. Even when the train derailed and changed course, I still enjoyed the ride.

Eventually, it crushed and I was not spared. I picked myself up, shook off the dust and boarded yet another one. The same story kept repeating itself over and over. It’s like watching a 2-year-old child climb up furniture and falling off it many times. It gets to a point the child enjoys the little game of climbing, falling, getting up again, falling etc.  It is amusing at first but soon it gets exhausting I must say. Especially if you are baby sitting the said child. The cycle only stops when the child unfortunately underestimates the pending fall and ends up bursting a lip or short of cracking open its skull.

Pain has a way of stopping everything in its tracks.

I have certainly lost control of some major aspects of my life. I have let some things run along for far too long. Truth be told, I hate who I have become. Perhaps hate is a strong word, but it is what it is. I have become addicted to and obsessed with who I have become. It feels good sometimes, but most of the times it sucks.

I think it’s time I got off this train I’m riding in. before it’s too late.

It’s definitely time for me to go back to the basics. And in Miguna’s footsteps, To peel off the mask and expose the person I truly am. To do that, some things will be let go of and great sacrifices will be made. It’s scary but I’m excited. For me, this will be a new dawn that I can’t wait to embrace. I can hardly wait for its rays to strike upon my face and melt away the unrecognisable façade I had grown accustomed to.

You know what, I can’t wait to reconnect with the girl who used to be behind the mirror. A reflection of myself as I knew it. 

On My Playlist  Alicia Keys – Brand New Me

“Warning! Attracted to Untouchables”

Dangerously so, I should add.

Sometimes, I am really tempted to slap that sign on your huge shiny forehead.  You shouldn’t be, but you are.  Attracted I mean, not tempted.  It feels like this is in the nth time it’s happening, you keep saying.  But love, just so you know, I keep count. You claim that you never see it coming, but you feel it when it happens. And by then, “it’s always too late”.

You can’t quite figure out why the sign –DO NOT TOUCH – draws you to it in a sort of hypnotic way. Like a moth drawn to a flame… “I. Just. Want. To. Do. The. Opposite.” You can’t help it.

It’s a dangerous game you admit. It’s also very wrong on so many levels. At least we both agree on that. Excitedly, you confess that you love the rush that comes with it. The adrenaline. The bloody excitement. The laughter. The joy. The pure madness. The unbridled craziness.  The highness. The inexplicable arousal. The secrecy. Oh… secrecy, that should be number one.

“The way I am able to be just me – unguarded and free”.

The way it makes everything else around you take a back seat. Nothing matters anymore – at least for a while. Pure bliss. “And I love that. My God, it’s insane!” You need to know that it hurts when you do that. It freaking hurts! Neglect doesn’t look good on me. It’s cold, strange and worn out around the edges.

However, here’s the thing that amazes me about this whole thing.

You are always in control. You call the shots. It’s always under your terms. It doesn’t matter that the present situation came to be. It’s always your way or none at all. Always has, always will be.

I can imagine how annoying, as much as it’s admirable, it is.

Power is oh-so sexy! And so is my bathing suit. 

But just like everything else, nothing lasts forever. The highness, goes down. Shit dries up eventually, losing its appeal. Reality has a way of fucking things up, but hey. It’s never a pretty sight when time runs out. Picture withdrawal symptoms.  If you’ve ever tried walking away from an addiction you’d know exactly what I mean. Scratch that, of course you know exactly what I mean.

Three times you have walked away from the Untouchables. Three times you have quietly broken down to pieces. Three times you have had to painfully put yourself back together. Three times you’ve learnt your lesson (or clearly not). Three times you have made the same mistake. to. detail. And three fucking times you have wrapped things up, cleaned up the spills, picked up the broken glass and threw away the cans. You always do clean up after yourself pretty well.

“I’ve got this”.

By now, I  know the drill. It’s always the same script and I can recite it effortlessly, even with my eyes closed. A brilliant addict knows when to walk away from that shit. You are no exception. You always know when to finally stroll away from a DO NOT TOUCH sign and right into a KEEP OFF one – same meaning, just fewer, different words and most definitely a brand new cast. You just can’t resist.

But you, you are a constant. It’s always around you that this shit keeps revolving. Why?

You need help. We both know it. I know what you’ve said many times before. That you’ve surely got this. But have you?

One thing is for sure, the attraction (and that’s just to put it mildly) has a definite lifeline. I wonder how long this current one is. Until then, I shall curl up at the corner, like I always do, patiently twiddling my fingers as I wait for you to finally get your act together. Again.

And for the fourth time, you’ll say to me,

“Baby…I’m clean”

 

On My Playlist “Lose Control” by Joe

Xaxa Generation…

One of my mother’s friends wants me to talk to her daughter who she thinks is spiralling out of control. Lucy, who turned twenty a few months ago, is in her second year at one of the highly accredited Universities in Kenya. According to the mother Lucy is a bright kid but something wrong seems to be happening to her. She mentioned that she suspects her daughter is into drugs, alcohol etc. Illicit sex? I wanted to ask. I knew that’s what she wanted to tell me but needed me to get that information from her daughter. So basically, I’m supposed to snitch on her.

I wanted to laugh. Laugh because one, I don’t know why she thought I was the right person to counsel her daughter. Two, I was pretty sure she was blowing things out of proportion. And three, I have met this Lucy girl only once, when she was still in Primary school so it’s not like we know each other. Although we know of each other. I would imagine that  the conversation between us would (will) be rather awkward at the very least. Being in her shoes, I would most probably end up resenting my mother for exposing my ‘issues’ to all and sundry.

We know how mothers are; always like sharing their problems with their friends.  There’s always that comfort in knowing that you’re not suffering alone. Which is a good thing actually; therapeutic even.  And that is exactly what had happened. I didn’t ask my mother about this, but I highly suspect that in their sharing sessions, she might have said a word or two about my behaviour when I was right about Lucy’s age – two years ago. That is quite alright. I can live with that. 

See, most people discover themselves in their early 20s. Many will overindulge, I dare say, in alcohol properly once they go to campus or college. That is the time they get a sense of perceived freedom / independence. Some will experiment with drugs. While the majority will discover the joys of sex – both meaningful and casual. In this day and age, things are different. The things that these young ones will get up to can make you blush out of embarrassment but to them, it’s just a norm.  It’s just how things are done. They’ll argue – “Kwani?” Crazy shit happens out there. And it gets crazier by the day. That is the reality and we have to deal with that somehow, whether we like it or not.

But the irony is that, there are some, the minority obviously, who turn out pretty good without all the drama. Encouraging, eh?

Just like a million other people, I have been there before too. I’ve done things that make me turn red in the face when I think about them now. I’ve had random escapades that would have sent my folks to an early grave had they found out about them then. To be honest, it would still kill them today if they got wind of it. Quite frankly, in the cold light of day, I realize I was not very wise.  I am very far from perfection. No one is. So I can’t even dream of being the first person to cast a stone against Lucy.

I feel like telling Lucy’s mother that her daughter will finally come round. It’s just a phase that fortunately or unfortunately one has to pass through. In fact, I would rather that she goes through it and comes out unscathed. Rather than not at all. How boring is it to miss out on all the fun!  We all know how those turn out. Because truth be told, very few people actually get it together early enough. The older we get,  in my opinion, the worse it gets. At least in teenage hood, we get to blame raging hormones, adolescence, foolishness, ignorance etc. In the late 20s and above, what do we blame? Money? Numerous options? (In)Experience? Immaturity? Again, foolishness?

The weak, and I can bet on this, will always succumb to societal pressures – this by the way is not age restricted. Not even remotely related. However, it’s even sadder when the person in question is older. ‘Older’ is relative, so I shall work with erm… the above 24 years age bracket.

Lucy is just going through life as we know it. But that’s not what you tell a worried mother. A mother who is on the verge of summoning the mothers’ union into a frenzied prayer and fasting “kesha” for her daughter. No.

You tell her that her daughter will be alright. You assure her that you’ll talk to her tactfully when the time is right.  You promise to be her daughter’s ‘big sister’. And then you hope that you can shoulder that responsibility. You tell her that she needs to give her daughter time to ‘reform’. But most importantly, you tell her  that she needs to love and pray fervently and earnestly for her, for this is a cruel world. Some of these things you let go and let God.

To be honest, this Xaxa generation as many of us call it, scares me. Once in a while I listen to my cousins talking and I always get shocked by their horrifying stories. I’ve always thought I was ‘wild’ in my formative years. But this generation makes me realise how sane and angelic I was. With circumstances changing from generation to generation, I wonder how my children will turn out. I weep for the evils the world will throw at them*shudders*

Being a parent must indeed be a scary thing.

On My Playlist “When A Man Lies” by R.Kelly

LOA…

Before I even get on to what I wanted to say, allow me to unleash my latest discovery…Windows Live Writer 2012! I know,  I’m probably a thousand years late, but hey, I’m glad to have discovered this nifty application. Away with drafting posts in Word then posting them on WordPress. \o/

So, anyway…

By now the Secret is well-known to most of us. By now most of us have come across the Law of Attraction. Some totally believe in it. Others, perhaps the majority, are really sceptical about it. C’mon! How does one even explain how the universe works? And quite frankly, for a while I really wanted to high-five, in the face, the next person who gave me the entire you-attract-into-your-life-whatever-you-think-about speech.

How about we just sit and whine about all the wrong going on in our lives, eh? Ok, I kid.

So anyway, I have a friend who got right into this whole Law of Attraction ideology ever since she came across it a few years ago after watching some episode on Oprah or Tyra – one of those talk shows - I’m not sure which it was. She couldn’t stop bubbling about it. She even made mood boards representing the life she wanted; she had sticky notes pasted all over her house with stuff she desired. It was sickening to say the least. A little overboard if you asked me.

But that was her; no one could steal her joy. She made things seem so easy. She once  told me, “My life is falling into place”. Oh give me break! I thought.

I’m not a pessimistic person, but I believe in working (hard and smart) and praying for whatever I need or want.

At the beginning of last year, while she was making yet another mood board with the year’s resolutions, she challenged me to make a list and give the universe a chance. I remember laughing and dismissing her and her crazy ideas. But secretly I decided to give it a chance.

Cynically, I made a list of things I desired to have/achieve complete with timelines. I know; I was pushing it. I asked for EVERYTHING! Even the most trivial things. *chuckles* Don’t give me that look; I know you would have too.  What was there to lose? After all I had everything to gain if my wishes came true! \o/

I won’t lie, but for a couple of days after that I thought about specific items on the list, sat, drumming my finger nails on the table, waiting for magic to happen.

Of course nothing happened. Gradually, I forgot about the entire thing, especially given the fact that it had been a while since my friend gloated shared about the wonderful things manifesting in her life.

Last week as I was cleaning out my drawer I came across the neatly folded list. I went through it and I kid you not, more than half the things on that list had come to pass! Things I’d even forgotten I once desired to achieve or have. Things I didn’t even think would still be important in my life. There is one very specific thing that I had written just for kicks and lo and behold, it had come to pass about 3 months ago.

Law of Attraction in effect? I don’t know. But one thing’s for sure, God answers prayers.

According to me, LOA is just a prayer.  Mark 11:23-24

Sometimes all it takes is a prayer and an attitude of gratitude. Just that.

A new year gives us a chance to set an agenda for the year and hopefully for the rest of our lives. This year, I have decided to shake things up a bit. I have a couple of personal goals with defined action plans that I pray will go through. I’m pretty psyched about it and can’t wait to cross things off come December.

Michael Hyatt, one of my favourite inspiration bloggers, talks about Creating A Life Plan here. I hope you find it as challenging as I do. 

“If we would only give the same amount of reflection to what we want
out of life that we give to the question of what to do with two weeks’
vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless
procession of our busy days.”
— Dorothy Canfield Fisher

 

 

On My Playlist “End Of The Night” by Kenny G