You wake up one morning, look at yourself in the mirror and you can hardly recognize who you are any more You have gradually transformed and become the person who you had vowed that you would never become.
All the things you had turned up your nose at suddenly have a look; and you’re wearing it. All the things you once despised, rebuked, rejected, condemned have now made themselves comfortable in the creases on your face and the folds of your skin; seamlessly fitting in. You can hardly tell where it all starts or where it ends. Everything has moulded and fused into one. You.
Time has happened.
It happens to the best of us though. We neither know when the metamorphosis started nor when it’s supposed to end. We certainly have no idea of the result – when it should be, how it should be and how it should feel. For some reason, we lose control of things. Here’s the thing, when we think, we’ve got control of everything, that’s when we lose it.
Our actions define us. Our habits rule us.
A few years ago, I boarded a train that I was positive I knew the destination and the exact time I would get there. I enjoyed the ride, didn’t want it to end. Even when the train derailed and changed course, I still enjoyed the ride.
Eventually, it crushed and I was not spared. I picked myself up, shook off the dust and boarded yet another one. The same story kept repeating itself over and over. It’s like watching a 2-year-old child climb up furniture and falling off it many times. It gets to a point the child enjoys the little game of climbing, falling, getting up again, falling etc. It is amusing at first but soon it gets exhausting I must say. Especially if you are baby sitting the said child. The cycle only stops when the child unfortunately underestimates the pending fall and ends up bursting a lip or short of cracking open its skull.
Pain has a way of stopping everything in its tracks.
I have certainly lost control of some major aspects of my life. I have let some things run along for far too long. Truth be told, I hate who I have become. Perhaps hate is a strong word, but it is what it is. I have become addicted to and obsessed with who I have become. It feels good sometimes, but most of the times it sucks.
I think it’s time I got off this train I’m riding in. before it’s too late.
It’s definitely time for me to go back to the basics. And in Miguna’s footsteps, To peel off the mask and expose the person I truly am. To do that, some things will be let go of and great sacrifices will be made. It’s scary but I’m excited. For me, this will be a new dawn that I can’t wait to embrace. I can hardly wait for its rays to strike upon my face and melt away the unrecognisable façade I had grown accustomed to.
You know what, I can’t wait to reconnect with the girl who used to be behind the mirror. A reflection of myself as I knew it.
On My Playlist Alicia Keys – Brand New Me