Ghosts Of Boyfriends Past…

by kbaab

I had a weird weekend. One of those that I make uncalculated decisions. See, I hadn’t planned to go out on Saturday evening. I had plans to chill and read a book or do something. Alone. Me time. That was until Mary, hallad and invited me to an evening party of a couple that I did not know quite well, just acquaintances. She reckoned it would be a good idea catching up with a couple of people I used to know.  I thought about it the entire day, and almost turned her down but I had a change of heart; dolled myself up; dressed up to the nines and at 8 pm I picked her from her house and ventured into what had been promised to be an awesome night out.

She was right, hooking up with a couple of peeps from the past was interesting. I discovered the most unlikely couples had hooked up and gotten married. Others had broken up. Some were still single folks and ish like that. For some, life had turned out just as it was expected for others; yours truly included; their lives were shockers. Not quite as was expected; but in a good way.

So anyway, there I was having a good time; mingling sipping on juice. I was trying to detoxify. Too much OH- in my system. I know! I shocked myself too. Pints were flowing and there I was holding onto a glass of Delmonte juice. I was saying, I was having an ok time when I spotted someone from my past who I’d rather have not met. Ever!

I reached for a shot of tequila! I needed to calm my nerves. He used to be my boyfriend of four years. Cheated on me with ‘his cousin’. I discovered and broke it off. It was a nasty breakup that broke me off quite literally. I remember I was a total wreck. I cried my tear glands dry every time I found myself alone. I suffered depression before anyone knew what was going on. My school work suffered and for a while I contemplated suicide. I know, petty, huh? He was the guy I lost my virginity to and he betrayed me. His betrayal shook me to the core. I’ll never forget what I went through. Never. I vowed I would never ever go back to that. I swore that no man would ever do that to me again. Many years have passed since we broke up. I hadn’t seen him since we last had that bitter breaking up incidence.

Seeing him on Saturday, was a shocker. I never expected to see him there. I didn’t even think he was alive. He was dead to me. I wanted to leave the party and go home or elsewhere to bury the memories ; the rage; the anger that had come flooding back in. I tried avoiding him but it seemed that he was stalking me. He wanted to talk to me but I wasn’t ready for that. I was forced to keep moving from group to group as I avoided him. But I was well aware of his stare; his presence; his voice.

It hit me that all these years I’d been lying to myself that I had forgiven and forgotten him. I’d even began to believe that it was just a figment of my imagination. That it never happened. It was all bullshit. I hated him and seeing him made me feel like I needed to let off steam. I wanted to inflict him with so much pain; the pain he caused me. I wanted him to have it all. I wanted to let him have it. I wanted, really bad to watch him squirm; suffer.

We bumped into each other at the bar counter where I had chosen to sit by myself to think, and to get a reliable cab’s number from the bar tender. It was clear that I wasn’t going to drive myself home after the many tequila shots I had had. He ordered another drink for me without a word from me. He said hi and before I knew it, I had slapped him on his cheeks. Twice. Reflex action. I don’t know. He never expected it because he was taken aback. I was looking at his facial expression. His eyes betrayed the hurt he felt. I was happy. It was something I had wanted to do for years. He was embarrassed because all of a sudden my little act drew much attention and some guys even wanted to beat him up thinking he had done something  wrong to me. Of course they were right; they just didn’t know it.

I’d have walked away and left him to be beaten up but I didn’t. I convinced everyone that things were cool and he was no threat. They believed me and everything went back as it were.

When had regained his composure and my nerves were calm and I was more than tipsy, we had a long chat. The painful past was the subject. He apologized profusely for what he did to me. He said, not a day had passed without him thinking of what he had done. Apparently he has regretted his actions ever since and he had wanted to apologize to me ever since but he never had the balls to. He acknowledged that he had made a huge blunder by letting me go. He was aware that our ship had long sailed. He was just after forgiveness if nothing else.

Us meeting that night was not a coincidence. Mary had played a huge role in orchestrating the meet, he told me. It finally made sense why she had insisted on dragging me to this party; of people I hardly knew. I wanted to go for her neck that little bitch.

It’s Monday morning. I’m trying to work but here I am sitting; replaying the entire night in my head. I’m still dazed and quite aware of what exactly was said. I wish it was recorded for future reference’s sake. I’m pretty sure we buried the hatchet. I feel good about it; but I wish I never saw him. I’m glad we made peace; a load off my heart.

Much needed closure. I guess we both needed it.

But I pray that was just it. I hope he goes back to wherever he came from. I certainly don’t need him in my life; I’m doing pretty good by myself thus far.

I guess it’s true when they say that we need to be hurt in order to grow, we must fail in order to know, we must lose in order to gain. Lessons are learned best through pain. I believe I have learnt mine.